Coming soon: I cleaned a horse's bits. I've done it before and I'll do it again.

And by "bits" I don't mean metal that attaches to the bridle and goes in the mouth

In the wild, horses manage to keep their Mr. and Miss parts tidy by … how, exactly? Hunh. I really don’t know. Why would the process be any different for domesticated horses? And where am I heading with a water hose, a hop in my step, a latex glove and a bottle of purpose-formulated, veterinarian-approved goo?

I told some fellow horse girls that I was thinking of writing about how we remove funk from a gelding’s¹ penis and a mare’s udders. The general reaction:

1. Search-engine optimization may propel this baby beyond my craziest ambitions. Welcome, new readers!

2. No photos or video. Don’t get too graphic.

3. What you think may happen doesn’t happen. Not in my experience, anyway. It isn’t sexual. It’s bringing simple comfort to an animal that has no ability to rid itself of irritants on its own.

4. During the most recent expedition in a new guy’s nether regions, I got the bean. That’s the goal. I’ll explain.

I’ll be back in, well, a bit.

1. We’ll leave stallions to the pros, thank you.